A Travellerspoint blog

Manipulated

bore into my soul, and then ream me out for caring

But first, the oblivious start of the day:

Good morning out our bedroom window to Takayama!

large_8DSCN3779.jpglarge_0DSCN3781.jpg

Good morning breakfast nook! "Ohio Goziimasu, asa gohan!"

large_5DSCN3784.jpglarge_1DSCN3785.jpg

Good morning bike rack!

large_1DSCN3790.jpg

Good morning temple!

large_3DSCN3795.jpglarge_1DSCN3796.jpg

Good morning giant bell!

large_7DSCN3798.jpglarge_DSCN3803.jpg

Good morning Joe!

large_DSCN3799.jpg

Good morning front pathways!

large_DSCN3800.jpglarge_DSCN3802.jpglarge_2DSCN3804.jpg

Good morning backyard grave...yard!

large_DSCN3806.jpglarge_3DSCN3807.jpglarge_DSCN3808.jpglarge_DSCN3810.jpglarge_DSCN3829.jpglarge_8DSCN3831.jpglarge_DSCN3832.jpg

Good morning temple shrine!

large_1DSCN3811.jpglarge_6DSCN3812.jpglarge_DSCN3815.jpg

Good morning Vanessa!

large_8DSCN3816.jpg

Good morning top of the hill shrine!

large_DSCN3818.jpglarge_DSCN3821.jpglarge_DSCN3822.jpglarge_DSCN3823.jpg

Good morning Bagua!

large_DSCN3827.jpg

After wandering around our own temple grounds for a bit, we finally moseyed over to the next temple over, crossing through their graveyards, then passing into the front where we were probably more welcome. There were a few older people praying at one of the graves, but that was about it all morning. Very quiet, very peaceful, very secluded. Our own little secret Japan.

large_2DSCN3835.jpglarge_DSCN3836.jpglarge_DSCN3837.jpg

These pictures we spent quite a bit of time taking for my mom. Joe was quite intent on making sure Georgi had good "Monet's Japanese Bridge" pictures. Apparently, we haven't done enough for her, and this would somehow make up for it...

large_4DSCN3838.jpglarge_0DSCN3839.jpglarge_3DSCN3842.jpg

Then it was on to visiting every temple along this walk (there were quite a few), reading their temple history, and then moving onto the next.

large_DSCN3843.jpglarge_DSCN3844.jpglarge_DSCN3845.jpglarge_7DSCN3846.jpglarge_DSCN3847.jpg

As we continued walking down the paths, we came back and forth from the topic of my mother. I haven't spoken to her since Hiroshima, since she couldn't bare to hear the sound of my voice. That was the last contact I had with my mother, and I could feel her slipping away from me. She always liked Joe from the start, one of the few people in my life who immediately liked him. It took our first fights for some dislike to settle in, but that dislike was only due to my dislike. This was opposite some of my high school friends, who's dislike came naturally, and like came from my like. Joe grows on people, just like he grew on me. But my mom liked him before she met him. Said she liked what he had done for my personality. He made me a warmer person, more considerate, more inclined to hug (I think that was the real kicker). And now, I was worse than I had ever been. Was it because of Joe and my separation? Am I a corse, cold, horrible person without him? I let these feelings be known to Joe, and do you know what he told me? Yes, yes I was. I was heading down a dark path, and he can no longer be there for me to bring me back out of it. He worries for me because of this, but he can no longer bare to confront my terrors. I started to cry, and needed to do so alone, so I went ahead, allowing him to take the myriad of temples in at his much slower pace. As I walked, I looked at my phone. Fuck it! I pulled open the flip and hit 3 [send] and it dialed my mother (1 is my vioce mail, and 2 was kung fu... I just got so used to the speed dials I never changed them after I quit, so my mom was still only #3; yeah, she thought it was a misplacement of priorities too. Hey, Joe was #7, and believe me, I've heard all about that too).

Vanessa?
Hi mom.
Whats wrong?
...
Vanessa, why are you crying?

(At this point my mom has her angry voice on. She always gets mad when something is wrong and we aren't telling her about it. Its kinda alarming actually, to hear someone get all stern on you when you are trying to open up to them. But at the same time it gets you to move your ass along with the conversation.)
Mom, I'm sorry I've been so horrible...
No, you haven't been,
Yes I have! And I know you are just saying that now because your just happy to hear from me!
Yeah, so?!

(Thats so my mom)
So that doesn't make it okay! That just means you forgave me before I even could say I was sorry!
Well, Vanessa, thats because if I always waited to forgive you until you said you were sorry,
Yeah mom, thanks, I'm really feeling like getting told how I never say I'm sorry while I'm trying to apologize!

(We argue about pretty much everything, surprising how we seem to manage it though.)
At this point I went into a whole thing about Joe breaking up with me,
He did what?!
MOM! Let me finish!

And I explained everything that led up to me getting all pissed with her about the money transfer getting all mucked up, and then I lost it when she didn't want to see me!
What are you talking about?
(Here folks, is where the shit hits the proverbial fan.)
Remember mom, when Joe was talking to you and he had the head phones on, so I only got his side of the conversation, and I was on the sofa behind the computer, and then I started talking to you, and it was frustrating b/c I couldn't hear what you were saying, and then when I finally got the headphones you were all defensive and said that you had been sick all day worried about telling me this because of how I would react, and then Joe took the headphones back and said that he would handle it, and I went to get them back from him, and he wouldn't let me have them. I brought up how it was my computer and my head phones and my mother and he didn't have the right to keep any of them from me, and he said that you told him that you didn't want to see me!
Vanessa, none of this is true!

(of course I knew most of it was true, but I understood her upset mother talk enough to know she was referring to that last part)
Vanessa, I wanted to talk to you but Joe wouldn't let me!
Then she continued to tell me the story from her point of view, and how she thought that I was so angry with her that I didn't want to see her any more, and thats why she was hysterical, and that was what Joe was calming her down about. Not that I upset her so much, but that she was so upset that I couldn't bare to look at her! I honestly didn't want to live anymore that night. I remember thinking, if Joe didn't want to be with me anymore, and my own mother couldn't stand the sight of me, and most of my friends from back home can't be bothered to even email me, let alone check out my blog from time to time, to top it off I haven't spoken to my father in ages, and my sisters are all off doing their own things... I remember thinking that if I didn't wake up the next morning... I wouldn't mind.

All of this, I have been caring with me for the past week, and even today, when Joe and I brought up what happened, even then, he didn't come clean with me about what had actually happened! I told my mom that I loved her, and that I would talk with her again later, but that I really couldn't think of anything to say to her, and right then I needed to find Joe and have him explain himself.

Joe...
What?
Why did you tell me my mom didn't want to speak with me?
Because you were upsetting her.
Okay, but why did you lie to me?
I didn't lie to you, she was upset, and I could tell that the more you talked to her, the more upset she got.
But she never told you she didn't want to speak to me!
Thats not true.
I just got off the phone with her Joe! She told me herself!
Yeah, okay, but that doesn't mean that isn't how she felt!
What gave you the right to tell me that!
Look, V, whatever.
No! Don't whatever me! This is important! You have been letting me think that my own mother thinks I'm a monster all week!
You are a monster!
Not in her eyes!
Yeah, because she is you mother!
Exactly! How do you think I feel, knowing that I was being horrible, and on top of that, thinking that the one person in the world who should always be on my side thinks the very same thing! Thinks the absolute worst of me! How could you do that!
It seemed like the only way I could get you to leave the room and I could calm you mother down, she deserves that at least.
You don't know what you are talking about! She was getting hysterical because she thought I didn't want to speak to her!
No, she was getting hysterical way before that. She is just rewriting history because your her daughter.
No, she's not! Because her not wanting to speak to me doesn't make sense! This does!
She is just sugar coating it for you.
That is what a mother does Joe! And you took that away from us! You made everything worse!
Thats your opinion. But I guess thats all that matters.

Now that conversation gets a little more emotional and unruly, and it ceases to make any sense from what ever amount of sense it started out having. Basically it ended with the understanding that I am a selfish bitch, and while he may not be perfect, at least he tries to think of others. Beautiful. So fucking beautiful I could spit. This, was the nail in the coffin. Or have I already had one of those? Well, I guess coffins have a lot of nails, so if I have used this metaphor before, allow me architectural license (architects build things, coffins get built, and architect sounds like artistic, if you've got something better, bring it). Joe and I were threw. Nobody manipulates me like that and gives a shit about me. The last strings of our hearts have been pulled from each other. Connections, gone. Surprisingly, this was the one thing that truly gave me any solace. Was the understanding that we no longer had any love for one another. It was like those moments when you first realized you were in love, and probably had been for quite some time, but only now you had finally realized it... but in reverse.

Quite walk through town:

large_0DSCN3849.jpglarge_DSCN3852.jpglarge_DSCN3853.jpglarge_3DSCN3855.jpg

large_DSCN3856.jpglarge_2DSCN3857.jpglarge_2DSCN3860.jpglarge_1DSCN3862.jpg

The town was a bit touristy, so Joe and I agreed it was best to take a few hours apart, and he would stay at this park we found on our crappy map and do some kung fu while I finished seeing the "historic" town (kinda like walking through Williamsburg Virginia, very historical, but with a gimmick attached and gift shops inside the old frame work).

Park at the top of the hills:

large_4DSCN3863.jpglarge_4DSCN3864.jpglarge_9DSCN3865.jpglarge_4DSCN3866.jpg

Now it was time for me to wonder the city by myself. The first thing I did was walk into the first ice cream shop I could find, and purchase a green tea ice cream cone. Next on my list, would be the black sesame, but I was saving that for just before I had to go get Joe as sort of a last minute of freedom treat.

large_DSCN3867.jpglarge_DSCN3868.jpglarge_0DSCN3870.jpglarge_7DSCN3871.jpglarge_8DSCN3872.jpglarge_2DSCN3873.jpglarge_5DSCN3874.jpg

And I found my little acrobatic monkeys! These were the ones from Nara that I never found again! Unfortunately the shop didn't have any of these ones for sale : (

large_DSCN3875.jpglarge_DSCN3876.jpglarge_DSCN3877.jpg

Plus, they were only close to the monkeys I liked from Nara. These ones didn't have all the limbs coming together at the hands and feet. So, it was close, but no cigar.

large_2DSCN3878.jpglarge_DSCN3879.jpglarge_DSCN3880.jpg

And these dolls were everywhere!!!

large_7-web-monkey-doll.jpg

They are the symbol of the city, and you can get them in any color, shape, size, or design. I ended up buying Danielle a Hello Kitty Takayama doll coin purse.

3810465376_7156151c8d.jpg

This is also the city where I found Jessica a crystal owl to match her cell phone bling owl I got at the gorge.

It was getting close to lunch time, so I followed a couple I met in one of the shops to a music show they were having outside one of the temples. It was all very nice traditional Japanese music, but I'm really not into that out of tune kinda sounding music... sorry Japan, so I left about 30 minutes into the show. I really thought it was going to be a shorter performance, but when it only turned out to be intermission, I took that as my chance to leave anyways. I also followed around some english speaking tour groups to hear about how they are trying to preserve many parts of the city for cultural heritage... but this little old English lady kept giving me stern looks, so I slowly put more space between myself and the group until the tour guide was too quiet for me to hear. Then I went to get my ice cream, and headed up the hills (of course he only had to climb this monstrosity once...) to get to the very top of the city.

When he was ready to go we packed up our things from the hostel and headed to the train station to get to Kanazawa before dark (key point there). Joe made some pop corn before we left, and of corse burnt it, so the fire alarms sounded through the temple... luckily it was just us and some eastern European family along with the temple priest, so we didn't interrupt much. The priest didn't seem surprised that it was us as he turned off the alarm in the breakfast nook area... And with that, we left.

I pointed out some things I found as we headed out, and then we caught our series of trains heading northwest into Kanazawa, the city with one of the top 3 gardens in all of Japan. We also had a couchsurfer set up, to that was exciting! We had only been couchsurfing with Mochan and Adam since getting to Japan because we were finding it difficult to surf so close to our arrival dates.

large_DSCN3886.jpglarge_DSCN3887.jpglarge_DSCN3890.jpglarge_DSCN3894.jpglarge_7DSCN3895.jpglarge_DSCN3899.jpglarge_DSCN3901.jpg

My favorite Nara girls poster in the train station:

large_1DSCN3903.jpg

Gates leaving the Kanazawa train station:

large_4DSCN3965.jpg

From here we were running out of time to see anything today, so we hurried over to the garden,

large_3DSCN3904.jpglarge_6DSCN3907.jpg

stuffed our things in the lockers, and bought tickets with an hour and a half to spare!

large_7DSCN3908.jpglarge_3DSCN3913.jpglarge_4DSCN3914.jpg

large_8DSCN3917.jpglarge_DSCN3918.jpglarge_DSCN3919.jpglarge_DSCN3920.jpglarge_2DSCN3922.jpglarge_DSCN3923.jpg

Now look at the way the light plays with the landscape. These pictures I took with Brittany in mind as her favorite painter is known as the painter of light.

large_5DSCN3925.jpglarge_8DSCN3926.jpg

large_DSCN3928.jpglarge_3DSCN3930.jpglarge_4DSCN3932.jpg

This picture is for Jenna:
PIC_2362.jpg
Even Trees wear corsets.

large_9DSCN3933.jpglarge_DSCN3936.jpglarge_7DSCN3937.jpg

When was the last time I had a sincere smile like that? Hell, when was the last time I was in a decent enough mood to have a photograph taken of me (it doesn't count if it is a picture of me and Joe, because Japanese people coerce me into those.) Sad, really, when you think about it. I'm in a better mood than I have been in probably months with just me and Joe because 1. I know its over, and 2. I know I'm still loved by my mother. Strange how I can fix a broken heart by saying at least my mother loves me... didn't see that one coming. ^_^*

large_0DSCN3938.jpglarge_2DSCN3940.jpglarge_8DSCN3941.jpglarge_6DSCN3942.jpglarge_6DSCN3943.jpglarge_2DSCN3945.jpg

Joe really liked the roof on that one. Apparently, they just don't make thatched roofs like they used to.

large_2DSCN3946.jpglarge_DSCN3950.jpglarge_8DSCN3951.jpg

Then the place closed and Joe and I made a mad dash across the street to see the castle, but it had closed too. We were rushing so much because we were told that Kanazawa is a great central place to take day trips from, so if we finished all our Kanazawa things today, then we would have all day tomorrow to see nearby places. Joe was determined to see the castle (I was not so much), so he snuck in the exit. These are my pictures of the outside of the castle that I took while I waited for him.

large_DSCN3954.jpglarge_0DSCN3955.jpg

Now here are Joe's:

large_DSCN3957.jpglarge_DSCN3960.jpglarge_DSCN3958.jpglarge_DSCN3959.jpglarge_DSCN3962.jpg

It was getting late so we got our luggage and headed to the bus station to go to Creighton's place. We managed to buy an umbrella and an ice cream cone before we found an internet cafe. We literally found this place by the owner, coming out to us as we wondered up and down the street, and asking us if we were looking for wifi. She was so cute, and so determined to get us online. It took us forever and a day, but we eventually managed to figure out how to get on her network, and we re-looked up the directions to his place, and then headed out on a series of busses which we eventually exited at the corner of a street with this huge gas station, then we walked along the street until we saw a red romin shop, then we crossed over, and looked for a white apartment complex of which we were to enter door 4, go up the stairs to the second floor, then push open the 3rd door on the left... b/c he leaves it open for couchsurfers. (Its Japan, they don't believe in locks.) Luckily this white guy spotted us, knew our names, and took us up to his room (It was Creighton). He had just gotten back from karate class and had figured we would be getting in a lot sooner than 10pm... yeah, us too. We ended up staying up with him, talking about all sorts of political issues and the social system they have in Japanese schools (he is an english teacher). It was midnight before we ended up going to bed (an hour after Creighton's CS profile says he needs to be in bed by... why do people let me talk so long?) We got the computer room all to ourselves, so that was nice, and again we had our own floor beds, which was necessary at this point. And without any further adieu, I passed out sick with tiredness (and probably a few other things).

Posted by - Rain 17:44

Email this entryFacebookStumbleUpon

Table of contents

Comments

wow. i cried myself to sleep that night too. i was so hysterically crying for literally hours because i couldn't believe that vanessa wouldn't speak to me, that she didn't even want to see me. i was right. i knew this just couldn't be. wow. i am so sorry you felt that i didn't care vanessa. i was begging to speak to you, and didn't start crying until he said you didn't want to speak to me, you were too upset with me. (geez, the money mixup wasn't event that bad!) i love you and will always love you. i miss you and you are always in my thoughts and heart. i can't wait until you come home again! (p.s i'm crying again reading what you went through - but, i'm ok)
p.s. jessica wants to comment (she watched me go through this whole thing), but i won't let her till i approve the message:)

by georgi r

just watched waterlily video. breaks my heart seeing you standing there vanessa with your heart ripped out.

by georgi r

hahaha, wow mom, why don't you just mail joe some used socks. I kinda tried to just say what happened like it is, and yeah, Joe took the bad guy pants in this entry, but come on now, this is becoming a mob gang up.

by - Rain

I'm so sorry that you had to feel so crappy when you were surrounded by such beauty. I know the sourness of your relationship put a dent in japan for you, and it makes me so sad to see, because I know how much you were looking forward to japan. Beautiful pictures though, some of my favorites from the whole trip.

And your friends haven't forgotten you here. I miss you so much, and we mention you often at gatherings. I know that John has a vanessa sized hole in his life too. You've never been a monster to us and you never will be. A lot of our buddies think that you've forgotten about them, just like you think they've forgotten about you. But we all think about you, and know that we will meet again.

by laurr

I love you guys and am sorry for being so bad at keeping in touch. This is my way of keeping in touch, and its hard to do much else other than facebook, which I've been reading everyday since getting my apartment! ^_^*

by - Rain

Comments on this blog entry are now closed to non-Travellerspoint members. You can still leave a comment if you are a member of Travellerspoint.

Login